Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.