I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".