You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
