The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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