shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
