I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
