they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
