dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
