Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
