i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
