I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
