No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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