I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
