chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
