There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
