Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Enjoy the penises
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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