My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
