For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
