Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
