she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
The uberlube is also flammable
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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