No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
