Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
