I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
