Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
operation harelip BJ is a go
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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