everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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