I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
