Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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