Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
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Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
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I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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