Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
be right there i have to get my cape
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
