i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
