Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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