Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
