For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
You have to summon your inner elephant
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
