Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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