Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
