I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
They are going to name an STD after you.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize