i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Will exercising make me less horny?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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