so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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