Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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