Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Randomize
