new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
