whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
