there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
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