Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Randomize
