I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
