What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
