Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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