Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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