sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
