you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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