Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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