Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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