i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
