oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
