You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
