awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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