I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
