Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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