I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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