About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
