i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
