am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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