Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
