Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
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