Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
then he tried to convert me to islam
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
