dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Randomize
