hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
