Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
my being single is dangerous.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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