I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
